When push comes to shove, I shift to defaults. It isn't ideal and is in fact, rather cowardly, but there is a point in life that we simply have to accept what we are and what we are not.
While I am all for fighting for what you believe in with all your might and passion, there comes a point in time where it's time to just surrender to what life throws at you.
Although I have no regrets about decisions I've made, it is hard not to look back at times to see just how far off my mark I've gone. There are worse things in life, as we all know, and we should always be grateful for what we have or at least find contentment in what we lack.
Being an ambitious woman early on, I fought tooth and nail to be the best of what I could be. Those years were turbulent, but things always had a way of turning out for the better.
Fifteen years ago, the world was at my fingertips. I had options to get a steady job in government, look pretty in front of a camera, or marry rich, but dismissed it all for something that I felt passionate about. The idealist in me believes that hard work, good will and keeping good friends was much better than being rich and famous.
I still believe in the same things. I have however, transformed into someone I could barely recognize.
I am not rich, but I live comfortably. I lead a 9 to 5 life and I come home to an empty apartment where I spend most of my time in front of the computer anyway.
I did not marry, and don't expect to -- to my mother's disappointment, but I am passively content. I know I've become jaded, having lost my faith in love and marriage -- out of bitterness, perhaps -- if feeling numb is what qualifies as such.
Much of things that made me the person I am today has been shed, by bits and pieces along the way. But there is much in life to be grateful for -- for people who love without limits, and for opportunities that come when we least expect it. We all need at least one happy thought to wake up for in the morning. Perhaps I just found mine.